About a month ago, I was standing outside a run-down dive bar (hmm, redundant?) waiting for a band to go on. A dramatic screeching sound from someone's car wheels gave me a start. I turned my head to see a green station wagon careening out of control. The driver ran a red light, cut someone off in the process, screaming "Fuck you, Valerie!" out of the window to a girl, presumably Valerie, who was just out of sight.
When the wagon was almost immediately forced to slow to a near stop from what was probably 45 MPH because a bus was making a routine stop, we all naturally laughed hysterically. It doesn't have the same dramatic effect when you're in a station wagon or when you're forced to stop because of a creaking city bus (especially if you have to do all this in front of the offensive Valerie).
Earlier this week I was lucky enough to find out that the lead singer of a band had been cheating on her boyfriend with the Valerie hater, who himself is naturally in another band. The news was like a gift because I obviously think this guy is the best thing that's ever happened.
The boyfriend was less than amused. When he saw his ex with a member of his band, he decided to spy on them from some scaffolding above the same club that said Valerie hater had peeled out in front of. Overhearing what one can only assume was something disparaging to his person, he called his band mates and told them he quit the band.
He then proceeded to get into it with the offending band mate. Reports of whether he did this from the scaffolding are spotty. I like to assume that he actually constructed the scaffolding in advance, taking a sharpie and a white piece of paper and writing "construction zone" on it for that extra touch of authenticity. Of course, I also like to assume he was wearing a fake moustache over his existing ironic moustache, and carrying binoculars. This is probably not the case, but a Serpico scenario I cannot pass up.
After getting into it with his band mate, she drove off in a huff, much like the Valerie hater. Unfortunately, she hit someone and her license plate fell off at the scene. She sped off, driving the wrong way up a very long one-way street. All attempts to locate her, by the police, her parents, her former and current band mates, were fruitless.
Later she posted a myspace bulletin stating that she had lost her phone in the confusion. Therefore, one can only assume that the police dept. kindly allowed her to substitute her one free phone call with a much more hip myspace bulletin. Who cares about lawyers when you have friends trying to call you who may not know that you lost your phone but who obsessively check their myspace accounts for messages from cute boys/girls or for gig offers?
When the offended boyfriend of the lead singer who had left him for the Valerie hater (pay attention!) came to, he realized, despite his extensive sting operation, he had no way of recalling what his band mate had said to his ex girlfriend to piss him off so much. He was very, very drunk apparently when he climbed onto the scaffolding. Sounds dangerous. But is it as dangerous as driving the wrong way down a one-way street or trying to hit the back of a bus all in the name of Valerie? That is the real question. He decided, due to his blackout, to call the rest of his band to let them know that he'd changed his mind: he would be in the band again. And all was seemingly right again in Hipster-ville.
I now know that much of this is untrue, the Valerie hater is actually not the boy who cheated with the lead singer. The girl's name that first fateful night was not Valerie, but Veronica, or Vivienne or something like that. The band mate did not go to jail...yet. And unfortunately the scorned ex-boyfriend was not responsible for the construction zone. Didn't it make for a better story though?
Any resemblance to people you may know is entirely true and not a coincidence at all. These ridiculous lot are in fact all the same people. Remember: Valerie loves you.
